home

i’m a compulsive job applicant. I haven’t been unemployed since the age of twelve and never have i ever halted the habit. A former teacher used to draw her archived rejection letters into beautifully rendered reproductions, but i’m more equipped to rewrite the goddamn things. 

Hi Bailey, 

Thank you for applying to our vacancy of Existing Human here at Wherever the Fuck Inc. We’re honored you chose us and appreciate the time you took to complete your application. Sincere apologies sent your way if there have been any delays in responding to you. We’ve been overwhelmed by the insanely better-suited applicants’ interest in the role. 

After careful consideration we can confirm that your application will progress no further. Whilst you have a near handful of great skills, there are other candidates who are a better match for our requirements. 

Due to the absurdity of your application, it’s our pleasure to haunt you with tailored feedback:

You leak incessant imposter syndrome. It’s spitting from your pores and gleeking out your mouth by the time our awkward handshake or no handshake square dance commences. The eagerness you exude is empty and certainly fading by month three, but you know that. Your idea of goals are extremely misguided and unattainable.

Our applicant tracking system reveals that you feel qualified to perform successfully as assistant to the director’s office, accounting manager, and offsite sky diving instruction —of which your resume reveals explicit lack of participation in a single dive. You provide us no clarity on your aptitude’s. Additionally, a delirious capability of convincing yourself you’re qualified for anything shrieks through the nervous voice-cracking of interview two. We regret inviting you to the second round.

I could hear in your vetting phone call that your knowledge of Microsoft suite is laughably self-taught in twenty four hours. Our Information Technology steward would have seen through you the moment you forgot about right clicking, you imbecile. Experience in personal presentation was promised in your cover letter containing an egregious number of misplaced commas. Yet, I can smell the triple stacked leftovers rotting in your fridge and see your unbuttoned pants with billowing skin flooding outwards toward the hair-clumped brush used once near the hour of seven o’clock this evening — for the first time in three weeks. I can hear you clipping your toenails into your bedroom air vent, too.

In result, our rejection can’t possible be a surprise. For this unsolicited, destructive criticism: you’re welcome. We wish you the best of luck in your search for you new role. 

Best, 

Wherever the Fuck Inc.