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I’ve been listening to a podcast that’s short form. Twenty minutes feels right because my ears — let’s blame a set of inanimate body parts for this shortcoming — are not patient enough for hours of other people talking. Thirty pushes it because i’m selfish right now — it’s the ears’ fault! The podcast is about how to be an improved human which is cute. In honor of my favorite cousin, I’m reading and listening to content about the very meaty portions of life i’m wrestling with as if passive listening will sweat them from my pores. So I’m extremely vulnerable to becoming Barnes and Noble’s self help section’s bitch right now. Plus, a podcast gives me some sort of opener to a conversation when i’m too tired to recall an anecdote from my own life that will entertain a new coworker for seven minutes.

I’m not sure the podcast has been thrust into my veins quite yet because I’m not a measurably better person after three episodes. I’m still just as unsure about the date range of the world wars; my meditation capacity remains at a staggering ten seconds; and i’m still going to eat a nutri-grain bar to substitute breakfast tomorrow morning. My arms and legs are crossed swinging to opposite corners of the room armored with their nonverbal manifesto entitled “my headphones are in, but I’m not playing any music it’s just so you don’t bother me!” The contents of said writing sample predictably send a big middle finger to the world. Have I pigeonholed myself to a bitter, self-vilifying twenty something yet?

Sensational.

I’m sure as hell still leaving those texts from my best friends, whom I really do care deeply for, unread for another twelve hours. Oops, I’m a bad person! Worst of all, that one Jasmine Sullivan song I role-play singleness through will sound on repeat until i’m ready for sex and the city season six episode seven. I absolutely won’t stop rewriting sentences about my music choices to reflect something that isn’t just Ariana Grande, Dojo Cat, Giveon, Steve Lacy, and Jimmy Cooks from Drake’s latest album because maybe I care what you think of my Spotify search history.